Potty Mouth

Just a friendly warning here – if you’re sensitive to rather frank talk about UN-polite subjects – you may want to stop reading now and go to something lighter – like some of my flash fiction or photo posts.

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Last chance – things are going to get weird from here…

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There…now that I’ve cleared the more sensitive out – The other day, I had to go to the bathroom at work.  Yea, yea, yea…not exactly Earth-shattering…everyone uses this room a few times a day.   We’ve got a three-staller, so nobody has to wait too long to relieve themselves. This day, I had 2 to choose from, as the center stall was occupied.

Pick a door, lock and load.  I was prepared to wait just a bit, as the transaction my body had in mind was one that is, for the sake of politeness, accomplished when the bathroom is empty.

***see Peg’s Personal Etiquette Handbook – coming soon to all major e-book retailers – section Bathroom, subsection public, sub-sub section ‘Work.’

I did manage a stream of less-offensive waste while I waited for the lady next door to finish.

Her phone rang…and she answered it.

Does anyone else see the absolute horror of this, or am I just weird?

***Don’t answer that…

I can’t finish what I came in there for, as nobody wants to share the bathroom with an active pooper.  I can’t wipe and leave – she’s on the phone, and nobody wants to hear the loud thumping of the paper-dispenser, the flush, the clothing arranging, the sink and the hand towels when they’re trying to hold a conversation on the phone.

But I can’t help but eavesdrop – she’s sitting right next to me!

**HALP!  I’M TRAPPED IN THE BATHROOM STALL!**

But hold on…it gets even weirder…

The conversation she’s having is extremely personal.  Apparently, someone in the immediate family is going through a stint of rehab…

And Mom is understandably upset.

And Dad is strangely absent lately.

But the dog is just fine!

And maybe we should make plans to get together this weekend – there’s the great shop I just heard of that sells some really cute panties…

OH.  MY.  GAWD!

By this time, I want to crawl into the wall and come out of the Gents on the other side.  Anything…even shitting my pants…would be better than having to sit here, unpooped and overhearing this little personal slice of this woman’s life – especially seeing though her voice is unmistakable.

To say my etiquette lessons never envisioned this sequence of events is the understatement of the year.  I froze with indecision – I didn’t know which of the four would be worse:

1-Making noises of bathroom origin (which are pretty hard to pass off as anything else) to be overheard by the person on the other end of the phone.

2-taking a shit at work with someone else in the Ladies to ‘enjoy’ the atmosphere – possibly leading back to offense #1 if the conversation goes on long enough.

3-Arresting the bowel’s movement & beating a hasty retreat, leaving urine unwiped, the toilet unflushed, and the hands unwashed to keep the exodus as quiet as possible…or…

4-to just sit there, quietly, and listen in on what was a conversation that ‘aught not be overheard at work.

Emily Post REALLY needs to update her book…