No Thanks to the Bird

People all over the States are gearing up for the gastrointestinal cram-fest known as Thanksgiving.  The day where we gather friends & family around a table groaning under the weight of a metric-shit-ton of food and dine until we are all too full to do anything other than fall asleep on the couch while watching the NFL.

Some Americans further plan on going to the stores the next day, to participate in a public brawl of epic proportions in the hopes of getting a great deal on something that will go under a tree in a month, and in the trash the month after that when it breaks.

I do neither of these things – but who am I to judge…

I don’t do a full bird on T-day.  I’ve done variations – such as just the breast, (which is the only turkey meat I enjoy) and those little turkey-loafs in the freezer section.  You know the ones I’m talking about – turkey meatloaf, frozen in an aluminum tin of its own gravy, that you pop in the oven and bake until the paper lid burns?

I can hear the kitchen-warriors out there screaming in terror as I type this

I cooked a full bird once.

Let me say that again:  ONCE.


It was a very scary experience.  First – I’m not a whiz in the kitchen.  Sure, I can make pies (as long as I get store-bought crusts & fillings), cakes and cookies (from a mix), and broil a steak (well done, anyone?).  I can do things with vegetables that probably shouldn’t be discussed in polite company…


And do have a couple of good family passed-down recipes that make some pretty tasty stuff.  The family never starved or lacked variety in a diet when I was head of the kitchen, although we probably did consume too much salt.

But when it comes to really, REALLY involved stuff – like a full bird?  A baked Alaska?  A souffle?  The best I can do is a stern warning to DUCK AND COVER.

The last time I attempted to cook a full bird for T-Day – I ended up summoning an Elder God…badly.  We managed to get a snapshot of the beastie JUST before it sprang to life, and managed to beat it into submission with the gravy boat.


Fear.  The.  Cthurkey.

Thank (Insert Supernatural Being of your Choosing) I’m not a better kitchen witch, eh?

10 thoughts on “No Thanks to the Bird

  1. I’ve seen those pictures all over my Facespace (I have interesting friends). I wonder if any one of my friends will actually make one. It’ll be cool if they did.

    My days of cooking a full on Thanksgiving dinner are gone. I did that for decades and now that the kids are grown and on their own, and it’s just me and the hubs, we’re cool with not puttin’ on the hog. We’re quiet like that. ^_^

    Liked by 1 person

    • It showed up on the page in the Evil book of Faces here, too. It was too tempting not to use it in a blog post.

      Turkey day here will be quiet. The SQO and I will be going to his sister’s place to spend time with the family. His niece will be there, her first visit home after starting college, so I’m sure we’ll get all the stories of Freshman Fever.

      Friday I intend to be a hermit. If I drop a shoelace outside the door, it’ll only be because the apartment is on fire.

      Liked by 1 person

  2. It’s all good! Your family will love you whatever you decide to make! 😀

    My husband was toying with the idea of Turducken for Christmas, but I told him if he wants something that mad, he’ll have to cook it. I like doing all the veggies.

    Liked by 1 person

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