Amazon wants to KILL me!

I’ve been an Amazon Prime member for a number of years.  As such, they occasionally send me “helpful shopping suggestions” based on whatever I’ve recently been looking at on their site.  Today…they sent me this for a recommendation:

Now…I haven’t worn anything other than flats for 3+ years. The decision to go totally flat was based, at the time, on the increasing gulf between that 29 fiction I keep attempting to run regarding my age and the real, chronological amount of time I’ve spent converting perfectly delicious foodstuffs to various waste products.  It was also based on how my feet felt in anything that elevated my heels above my toes, and how difficult it was to maintain an upright posture when wearing such things.

Balance…I have not.

So why would Amazon have a pair of platform, stiletto-heeled, over the knee black patent leather boots as something I might actually buy???

They must want me dead…because I’d have to be in such a state to wear those things.

Granted, when I was young and foolish enough to go into one of the big shoe stores in the MALL (nope, never again!) I used to try on things like this.  Not because I liked them, or could envision me ever wearing them, but because I considered them to be too ugly to not try on, totter around in, and laugh at.

I once had a pair of little old ladies ask me ‘Where you goin’ in those shoes, Daaaaaahlin?’ when I was wobbling about in a pair of sparkly gold, patent-leather, platform/6 inch heel pumps.

I told them the Emergency Room was the most likely destination.

 

I just can’t understand why Amazon would wish me ill.  I did some of my Christmas shopping on their site…ordered more of my toothpaste, and got some stretchy tank tops to wear under everything else in a desperate bid to keep warm in the frozen tundra.  If I don’t have at least one box with the little Amazon Smilie on it…the house just doesn’t feel right.

Why this overt threat against my ankles, Amazon?  Are you THAT pissed that I bought some stuff from Etsy?