Amazon wants to KILL me!

I’ve been an Amazon Prime member for a number of years.  As such, they occasionally send me “helpful shopping suggestions” based on whatever I’ve recently been looking at on their site.  Today…they sent me this for a recommendation:

Today

Now…I haven’t worn anything other than flats for 3+ years. The decision to go totally flat was based, at the time, on the increasing gulf between that 29 fiction I keep attempting to run regarding my age and the real, chronological amount of time I’ve spent converting perfectly delicious foodstuffs to various waste products.  It was also based on how my feet felt in anything that elevated my heels above my toes, and how difficult it was to maintain an upright posture when wearing such things.

Balance…I have not.

So why would Amazon have a pair of platform, stiletto-heeled, over the knee black patent leather boots as something I might actually buy???

They must want me dead…because I’d have to be in such a state to wear those things.

Granted, when I was young and foolish enough to go into one of the big shoe stores in the MALL (nope, never again!) I used to try on things like this.  Not because I liked them, or could envision me ever wearing them, but because I considered them to be too ugly to not try on, totter around in, and laugh at.

I once had a pair of little old ladies ask me ‘Where you goin’ in those shoes, Daaaaaahlin?’ when I was wobbling about in a pair of sparkly gold, patent-leather, platform/6 inch heel pumps.

I told them the Emergency Room was the most likely destination.

 

I just can’t understand why Amazon would wish me ill.  I did some of my Christmas shopping on their site…ordered more of my toothpaste, and got some stretchy tank tops to wear under everything else in a desperate bid to keep warm in the frozen tundra.  If I don’t have at least one box with the little Amazon Smilie on it…the house just doesn’t feel right.

Why this overt threat against my ankles, Amazon?  Are you THAT pissed that I bought some stuff from Etsy?

 

Let’s Discuss Underwear

IMG_0238

Specifically…the ultimate in torture-wear for all the ladies – the vile and demonic brassiere!

Sorry fellas, but unless you cross-dress (no judgements, here!) this is not a post for you.  And if you DO cross-dress – do you have any pointers??

Anyone else out there count their favorite time of day the glorious moment in time when you are home for the night – shedding outdoor and/or work clothing to slide into comfy pajamas – reveling in the freedom that comes from taking the bra OFF?

Yea…I live for that moment…

In ShapeAs my body shape will never be described as svelte, thin, shapely, or firm, bras have always been a constant source of aggravation.  The band is either too tight, too small, too loose, too big, too stretchy, not stretchy enough or difficult to fasten.

The cups are a blend of itchy, scratchy, padded too much, padded not enough (sometimes both at the same time!), or they gap and pucker in all the wrong places.  They either offer support in unexpected places (hey…a girl’s got to breathe…ok???) or no support at all.  The straps are too wide, and cut into my neck, or too narrow, to slide down my shoulders.

To solve these horrific dilemma, manufactures of gadgetry all across the globe have offered up a cornucopia of straps, buckles, pads, inserts and other assorted doodads to solve the average large-breasted lady’s ‘unmentionables’ issues.

Bra collageWhy not come up with a better bra???

Yea, I know the answer to that one (as most of you already do), but I’m gonna spell it out anyway just because I’m in that kind of mood:  Mass Production of consumer goods equals the “One Size Fits All” mindset – and the minority of those who do NOT fit don’t matter…so we’ll flood the market with ‘one size fits most’ (to avoid pesky litigation in the false advertising arena), and sell more useless crap to those who don’t conform.  Win/Win for those selling stuff – frustration for those of us who can’t find a damm bra that actually FITS.

My…I’m prickly today…

I broke the ONLY bra I currently own which I don’t loathe about a week ago…leaving me to be jammed into one rescued from the dark recesses of my closet floor because the straps are afraid of heights.  Ironically – this meme showed up on Facebook the same day the under-wire snapped.

Bra meme

Tell me Karma doesn’t have a twisted sense of humor… >:D

Soooo… I find I’m being forced to forge into intimates shops to find a replacement…and at this time of year, with the militant shoppers at every parking lot and department store in every city on top of the whole “I HATE clothing shopping” thing I have going for me – I haven’t plucked up the determination to do so yet.

It’s far easier to just grouse about ill-fitting underthings.

The traditional bra shopping routine follows the same, bitter path every time I venture out  –  upon entering the store, I’m accosted by all the trendy offerings (blossoms of pattern, lace, and color), not a one of which is sold in my size, and I dejectedly tramp toward the ‘women’s’ section.  A wall of bland, monochrome colors greet me – whites, blacks, greys, beiges.  No patterning, no frills, no color:  just an ugly selection of rounded-off triangular ends, heavy seams, thick straps, entirely utilitarian over-the-shoulder-boulder-holders are offered.

The only bright colors in evidence are on the hangars and tags.

In this arena, size is the only consideration (there, guys…feel better?), because there’s nothing available that shows an ounce of ‘style’ or originality.

I’ll take several of the least offensive into the changing room, decide in the minute I have each on that it’s not a very good fit, and disgustedly settle for the least of the assorted evils once I get frustrated and give up on the excursion as an exercise in futility.

first world problems, yes?

I’ve lost count of the number of bras I’ve owned through the years using this method of selection – most of which get slingshot into a dark corner of my closet to become chew-toys for the cats.

(I’m sure there’s a boob joke in there somewhere…but I’m too irritated to find it…)

The DIL(2B) and I had a few bra discussions when she moved in with me – she’s fairly well obsessed with this slingshot/torture device that society makes women wear to contain the curves – so after the holidays, when the furor of shopping because ‘everyone’s doing it’ dies down, we’ll have a girls shopping day, and try once again to get me a bra that actually fits.

We might just have to stop for some ‘liquid encouragement’ first…