Amazon wants to KILL me!

I’ve been an Amazon Prime member for a number of years.  As such, they occasionally send me “helpful shopping suggestions” based on whatever I’ve recently been looking at on their site.  Today…they sent me this for a recommendation:

Today

Now…I haven’t worn anything other than flats for 3+ years. The decision to go totally flat was based, at the time, on the increasing gulf between that 29 fiction I keep attempting to run regarding my age and the real, chronological amount of time I’ve spent converting perfectly delicious foodstuffs to various waste products.  It was also based on how my feet felt in anything that elevated my heels above my toes, and how difficult it was to maintain an upright posture when wearing such things.

Balance…I have not.

So why would Amazon have a pair of platform, stiletto-heeled, over the knee black patent leather boots as something I might actually buy???

They must want me dead…because I’d have to be in such a state to wear those things.

Granted, when I was young and foolish enough to go into one of the big shoe stores in the MALL (nope, never again!) I used to try on things like this.  Not because I liked them, or could envision me ever wearing them, but because I considered them to be too ugly to not try on, totter around in, and laugh at.

I once had a pair of little old ladies ask me ‘Where you goin’ in those shoes, Daaaaaahlin?’ when I was wobbling about in a pair of sparkly gold, patent-leather, platform/6 inch heel pumps.

I told them the Emergency Room was the most likely destination.

 

I just can’t understand why Amazon would wish me ill.  I did some of my Christmas shopping on their site…ordered more of my toothpaste, and got some stretchy tank tops to wear under everything else in a desperate bid to keep warm in the frozen tundra.  If I don’t have at least one box with the little Amazon Smilie on it…the house just doesn’t feel right.

Why this overt threat against my ankles, Amazon?  Are you THAT pissed that I bought some stuff from Etsy?

 

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Continued Adventures in Goodwill

Once again, I took to the wilds of retail Waukesha in search of second-hand clothing.  I’m finally figuring out how to dress this new, less-insulated meat-suit I inhabit, and, as such, need additional layers to keep me semi-warm during the freeze.

And when I say Freeze, I mean it.  It’s barely begun to get cold up here in Wisconsin, yet I really, really feel it.  By January, I might just be cold enough to have my fingers stick to the keyboard.

So if a future post looks like:

fjapero;erropadrioa;erljahsd[paoseiur;

You’ll know what happened.

My search was certainly off-season.  They’re putting out all the long sleeve shirts, sweaters (especially the ugly Christmas ones) and outer-wear.  I was searching for camisoles, preferably spaghetti strappy ones, that are longer than most, and stretchy.

Sadly, I didn’t find any of those – I might have to go full retail…

20btgm

But, not one to let a second hand store selection go to waste – I found some new material for a super-spectacular blog post!

In the “Smoking Hot” category:

Velvet Smoking Jacket

 

 

I really – REALLY hated to pass this one up, because who doesn’t need a big, full-length, black velvet smoking jacket to casually lounge around casual lounges in?


Oh…wait…I don’t casually lounge in casual lounges…especially when there are casual people trying to act all casual…

So it stayed on the rack…

 

 

 

In the ‘Welcome to the Jungle” category:

Animal Print Turtleneck close up

 

I love animal print as much as the next person – but when they’ve stylized the animal print to incorporate actual  animal heads…sorry, I just had to say no…

 

 

Animal Print turtleneck

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Oh…and turtle-neck sweaters?  Double no – they just don’t FEEL right, but could be useful if I was … say … robbing a bank.

,,,

Can you imagine the witness statement?

 

 

 

 

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The Runner up – In the “Offset” category:

Fluffy Vest Combo

 

 

Now, I was searching for warmth – and this WAS warm – but there were too many zippers involved.  This had an inner zipper on the right side, and the outer zipper on the left side.  I almost zipped myself into an alternate reality while trying it on.  I’ll stick to symmetrical garments in the future.

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As an aside…look at the freaking FOREARM in this totally gansta shot…This is what 2+ years of chainmailling will do for the definition in your arms.

 

 

 

 

 

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And the winner of the evening:
The ‘Game of Garments’ category:

Tetris Shirt Leaning

 

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I will forever and after regret not bringing the Twister Pants home with me and having them altered to fit…not so with this.  There was no entity on the face of this Earth that could have removed this shirt from my cart.

I now am the proud owner of this “I loved Tetris so much I must wear it on my back!” shirt.  Just having it in my closet elevates my ‘weird’ status…and to wear it out of the house?
Epic!

… 

I can’t wait to blind random passers-by with this ‘Louder than my iPod’ garment.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

I don’t mean to offend…

Went to Woodman’s the tonight, in search of toilet paper.

 

Ooooooh – what an exciting adventure, no?

 

When I was heading out, I noticed a bin of product that tickled my sense of the absurd:

20171128_185105

 

All I could think was:  how incredibly sexist of this egg noodle company to sell extra broads…coupled with ‘I’ll bet this is the best seller in certain political circles and ‘old boy’ clubs.’

I really need to rein in my weirdness at times, don’t I?

 

 

Adventures in Goodwill

In search of the most eclectic wardrobe ever – the kids and I went to our local Goodwill last night.  I’ve been on the lookout for a spring/fall weight jacket, which is getting to be a rather pressing issue around here.  After all, it’s October in Wisconsin, and the early mornings are a bit … shall we say nippy? … to walk to work.  I’ve also been on the lookout for bedclothes, as what I’m currently wearing to sleep in is … well, let’s just say I’ve found my feet tangled in my sleep shorts in the morning on more than one occasion.

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These used to FIT!

 

 

With it getting cooler in the night as well as the morning, I’m gonna need more heavyweight jammy pants, too.  The sweat pants I was using are now doubling as a cover for my computer chair to protect it slightly against claws.

The fun part of a Goodwill adventure is always pawing through the racks….the entire store is an epic treasure hunt…especially the clothes.  Some stuff is outright adorable, and some is ‘I can’t believe someone actually WORE this out of the house!’-able.

Glassware is another place I love to search the racks…but really, the entire store, from apple figurines to zebra-print socks – is rummage-able.

 

So – yesterday.  Went to Goodwill.  And the winners are:

In the ‘Loud and Proud’ category:

Twister pants

Remember the game Twister?

In the “I can’t believe this exists” category:

Leather Pants

LEATHER pants in my size??

In the “I can’t believe I actually TRIED this on” category:

Rainbow Horror

WHAT am I doing????

In the “How did I live without these” category:

Halloween Socks

Orange and black striped Halloween socks!

And, yes, my goal was accomplished – I found 2 pair of jammy pants in patterns that fit my personal style, as well as this totally cool denim jacket.

20171007_170236

WORD.

 

Let’s Discuss Underwear!

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I’ve been in stretchy, ultra-comfy sports bras for a while – as I continue to shrink, more stretchy=longer wear life.  Unfortunately for the SQO, sports bras are neither sexy or conductive to activities of a bedroom nature…

He has to demand I FREE THE TATAS! instead of just doing it himself.

Sooooo – to better keep harmony in the bedroom and beyond, the DIL and I are planning an excursion into Madison this weekend for some **real** bra shopping…and I just happen to have the right blog post to get me in the right frame of mind as I go forth and procure a new undergarment for my boyfriend.

Bonus – I buy it ‘for him’ but get to wear it myself.  Doesn’t get any better than that 😀

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Anyone else out there count their favorite time of day the glorious moment in time when you are home for the night – shedding outdoor and/or work clothing to slide into comfy pajamas – reveling in the freedom that comes from taking the bra OFF?

Yea…I live for that moment…

In ShapeAs my body shape will never be described as svelte, thin, shapely, or firm, bras have always been a constant source of aggravation.  The band is either too tight, too small, too loose, too big, too stretchy, not stretchy enough or difficult to fasten.

 

 

Read More of original post…

Enjoy.

 

The Ring: The Sequel: Escape Artist

the-ring

I love my little circlet of white gold.  Housed on the middle finger of my right hand…a perfect (albeit obscure) reminder of my first Ex Husband.

It’s always been a bit big for that finger.  There’s some resistance in getting it over the knuckle, but not much.  It rolls around my finger effortlessly, yet is still secure enough to sleep, shower, do dishes, housework, etc…with it on.

Not anymore…

The kids and I went for our traditional laundry day at the ‘mat on Tuesday.  Nothing special about it – grabbed some takeout, shoved clothing in machines, added detergent & coins, spun some poi (the kids) & read the kindle (me).

When I pulled my stuff out of the washer, I heard the familiar scraping of metal in the bottom of the tub.  My first thought was:  Must have left a quarter in the pocket of one of my pants.

I was a bit shaken to find my ring.  It had slipped off without me being the wiser to its loss.

It escaped AGAIN when unloading the dryer – it wanted to hang with my socks and ended up at the bottom of my laundry bag.  I found it the next day (after being convinced I’d lost it on the walk home) when sorting the underthings.

JOY for second reunion, but – when am I gonna lose it for good???

I’ve been doing the ketosis thing for around 9 months, and this is the first serious snag I’ve found in losing some of the tonnage…my FINGERS are shrinking, too.

So what’s a girl to do????

Now…I didn’t want to have the ring resized…the ring snuggies out there look both damn uncomfortable and unsightly, and I can’t switch it to a different finger, as they’re ALL losing their pudge.

I went shopping.

Found a new 3mm band, in my size, and slipped that in front of the larger ring.

Disaster averted..yea!!!!

 

Mr. First Ex Me’s ring now has a partner in crime 😀

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Happy VD

You know what I mean…not an itchy rash in the nether region…it’s Valentine’s day.

happy-valentines-day-facebook-cover

The biggest sales event of the year for the floral and greeting card industries.

Botanical bribery and mushy sentiment, anyone?

Personally – I think the real magic in any big holiday is the after-event sales, especially when candy is involved.  Granted, the really good stuff goes fast (if it shows up on sale at all) and all you’re left with by 4pm on the 15th of February is the cheap Palmer’s, Hershey’s and Cadbury, but still.  It’s chocolate, in heart-shaped chunks, at unbelievable ‘we gotta sell this shit’ prices.

This year, I’m 9 months sugar-free – so no more frenzied After VD chocolate shopping for me – although I might brave the crowds to get some discounted stuff for the SQO.

If that ain’t love, I don’t know what is ❤

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