Murder in the Concrete Jungle

You get a lot of time to think when you’re pounding the pavement.  Sometimes I just mouth the words to whatever song is blasting away on my iPod.  Sometimes I mull over a string of numbers (work numbers, keto numbers, financial numbers, etc…).  And sometimes, I have long, in-depth conversations with the various voices in my head…just to work shit out.

Sometimes, it’s the only intelligent conversation I have all day…

For a while now, I’ve called this little stretch of my walk the Cathedral.

 

It’s nothing that special, really.  The owners of this particular piece of property decided to plant bushes all along the boundary of their lot.  Those plantlings did what greenery does, and grew – eventually getting tall enough to clasp branch-hands with the trees on the median.  For the entire spring & summer, the branches have been trimmed back over the sidewalk so people don’t have to push through the bush to get where they’re going – but they haven’t trimmed more than that.

 

It’s a landmark on my journey where I stop for just a moment, and breathe a huge sigh of relief.  It’s here that I get out of the hot sun and soak in a little shade.  In my head, this little canopy is the ‘official’ boundary between the industrial leg and the park leg, and marks where I’m ‘officially’ on the way home.

But this morning – I walked up to the Cathedral in horror.

 

LOOK AT WHAT THEY DID!

Cathedral 5

 

The Cathedral has fallen!  Those murdering bastards BUTCHERED it!

**SOB**

I got half a mind to march up to the door and give ’em a serious piece of the mind I’ve got left.

…Deep breath…calm and focus…oh yea, that’s right…I don’t do confrontation…

Cathedral 6

Upon closer inspection of the carnage, I can kinda/sorta understand why the bushes had to come down.  Looks like they were tangling up the power or cable lines running to the house.

 

But still….SLAVERING HEADBLIND SOULLESS BASTARDS KILLED MY LANDMARK!

OK…I feel slightly better now…

Couldn’t they have allowed just ONE more Autumn display of color that I could aim my camera at before the wholesale slaughter ensued?

Cathedral 3

 

 

 

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One Year on Ketosis!

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I zipped right past my anniversary!

On the weekend of Memorial Day, 2016, I decided, rather on a whim, to give this Keto thing that my friend was on, a try.

Soooo…like all good diets, I made a spreadsheet.

Wait a minute???

One of the things that ketoer’s harp on is consumption tracking in the beginning.  In order to figure out what to cut from your dietary intake, you gotta first know what             -exactly-   you’re putting in your mouth.  In this age of smart phones and apps, most suggest my fitness pal to track their intake.

I’m not romantically, physically, emotionally or mentally tied to my smart phone.  In fact, the more I can ignore the demonic little piece of tech, the better I like it…so nix on the whole “there’s an app for that” thing.  But I am a self-confessed excel junkie – so a spreadsheet to track daily, weekly, monthly intakes was right up my alley.

A year later – I’d say I’ve had some very noticeable results.

I don’t know how much I weighed when I started, as my SOP was to avoid scales like the plague, but I’m gonna guess it was upwards of 260.  At 5’4″ and that much poundage, yea, I was a ball.  But, hey…round is a shape, right?

I know I went from size 22-24W pants to a size 16  – and even those are now starting to bag.  Ditto on some of my favorite shirts.  I went to the local Goodwill a couple of weeks back, and went mad in their shirts department…I can now wear a ladies size large.  I’d have been lucky to find 2x or 3x that fit before.

People I haven’t seen in a while are starting to tell me “Man…you’ve lost a LOT of weight…”  I usually tell ’em “Keto done me good…”

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I made a choker necklace for S a year+ ago – it didn’t buckle around my neck then – it does now.  And even my ring (featured a couple of times here on the T&T) got too loose to wear without emergency reinforcements!

 

 

 

 

 

I won’t discuss the underwear…you’re welcome!

Am I curious enough to actually step on a scale to see how much tonnage I’ve removed?  Maybe.

Anyway – here’s me before and a year into Keto… and looking forward to year 2!

 

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Before….

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1 Year Low-Carb

Best Laid Plans

 

Dinosaur weather

Well…that didn’t go according to plan.  I checked the weather Sunday night, and saw in the forecast.

50% chance of rain at 7am.  95% chance of rain at 4pm.

Needless to say – I took the car to work today.

rain

Later in the week, I may be able to squeeze in that all important, first walk, as Wednesday is supposed to be in the early 40’s in the AM, a fantastic 56 for the walk home, and the rain should have moved off by then.

Sooooo – better luck mid-week!!!

Feet

These shoes…WILL walk…

These Shoes are Made for Walkin’

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I LOVE my crazy socks

This is it…

I’ve been watching the weather for the past 2 weeks – waiting for the temperatures to rise in the morning.

I’ve got a backpack to stuff all my work stuff in, so I don’t have to carry things in my hands.

The iPod will be on the charger Sunday night…

Because Monday, it’s supposed to be in the 40’s at 7am, without the threat of rain.

I’m walking to work 😀

Funny, how I’m actually excited about this.  Me.  The person who, just a year ago, had serious worries about my heart bursting through my chest by walking A BLOCK to get to my car…is gonna walk over a mile…

in the morning…

before the coffee has kicked in…

and then work a full day, turn around, and walk home.

Who am I, and what have I done with myself????

 

 

When the Romance is Over

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Something just dawned on me.

**Cue celestial music**

I rifled through my mailbox yesterday, standing in the hall, like I always do.  I pulled out the obvious advertisements and marketing come-on’s, and stuffed them in the recycling bin conveniently placed right next to me, just like clockwork.  Better than having to haul that paper up the stairs so I can toss it in the comfort of my apartment.

Well, yesterday, one of the things I pitched was an advertisement for Catherines.  It’s a clothing boutique-y place in this area that caters to ‘women of size.’

Last time I was in Catherines, in January (I got a gift card), I couldn’t find a thing that fit me.  I ended up getting some socks.  Since then, I’ve been tossing the brightly-colored light cardstock in the recycling without noticing anything other than the name.

In short…I’ve shrunk myself straight outta the woman’s equivalent of ‘Big & Tall’ stores.

YEA, ME!!!      All praises to Ketosis!

Sorry, Catherine(s)…It’s not you…it’s me.   The magic just isn’t there anymore…

 

**should I send flowers?**

Foot Loose

 

I just HAVE  to put this little tidbit of info up for the world & sundry to see…because if you don’t check with the internet in when doing something fitness-related, it doesn’t count…right?

This weekend, I took advantage of an INSANE weather pattern which settled over my patch of Waukesha.  Our temperature monitoring devices registered over 60 degrees.

 

**glances at the calendar & map**

It’s FEBRUARY.  In WISCONSIN.

So I did what any sane/slightly winter-sick person would do under the circumstances.  I gave the heavy winter garb the finger…walked out of the house in a sleeveless shirt & flip flops, plugged the earbuds into the iPod, and took a jaunty little stroll.

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I.  Wore.  Flip Flops.  In February.  In Wisconsin.

 

 

 

I walked 1.5 miles.  It took me 30 minutes.  I didn’t have to stop with my feet cramping up, my heart threatening to jump outta my chest, or my lungs laboring to convert enough O2 to fuel the continuing mechanization of my muscles.

 
By an amazing coincidence…I live 1.5 miles from my employer.  I drive to work because, up until this point, I’ve been fat and flabby and the only shape I’ve been in is geometric.


In Shape

 

When the weather turns nice for good this spring – I’m leaving the car at home.  I’m walking to work.

 

 

 

I’m Lion about Witch Wardrobe

 

I came home from work last week Friday, intent on my closet.  One of my co-workers mentioned that the jeans I was wearing looked like they were ‘a bit loose,’ and that the Keto must be doing well.

I beamed like a lunatic.  I know my waistbands have become looser, and the legs of pants baggy, but to have someone else confirm it?

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So instead of taking in the Friday night festivities in the downtown area (it was raining, anyway…) I spent the night in my closet.  One thing I’ve come to realize is there are many, many different wardrobes within what many would call a pretty unremarkable little wall-space designed to hold clothing.

My garments are arranged, from left to right, in a semi-organized fashion.  Now, I’m not gonna lie and claim there aren’t times when I get home from the laundromat and just shove stuff on hangars, but it’s never long before I’m in there, making sure none of the more esoteric bits of my clothing collection have strayed from their assigned areas.

I like to know where things are in the morning, when clothing comes before coffee…

For those of you out there who have trouble organizing your closet (and I’ve seen some REAL disasters out there!), I offer the following guidelines for subdividing your wardrobe:

 

boston-film-door-2093774-o1- The Closet of Shame.   These are the pieces in your wardrobe you were wearing a year into your 3-month cake depression.  Stretchy waistbands, harem pants, and over sized tunics.  In a dark corner, a few maternity outfits lurk alongside a full-length Hawaiian print Mu-mu.  You don’t dare toss these out, because someone might look through your trash, and you can’t donate them because the local Goodwill doesn’t accept puptents.  You’re pretty sure that you AND your significant other could both slide into any random piece at the same time, but you can’t bring yourself to dig any of these out, for fear they might fit better than expected.

 

2-  The Grunge Collection.  Got a messy project?  Perhaps you’re painting the living room, assisting in the delivery of a baby elephant, or burying a jealous, former-lover in the backyard?  These ensemble pieces are stretched out, faded, disintegrating, stained, punctured, mutilated, or otherwise rendered unacceptable to wear in polite society, but they are just the thing to wear when you KNOW your clothing is going to be completely destroyed upon completion of the task at hand.  These are also acceptable to wear on those occasions when laundry procrastination has you down to your last pair of clean underwear.

 

iron bra copy3-  The Comfy Couture.  When you come home from selling your soul for a pittance (see:  The REAL Cost of Your Job) chafing (both literally and figuratively) in business-casual pants which are specifically constructed to be the exact opposite of comfortable, these pieces of your clothing repertoire are quick to alleviate irritation.  Fuzzy socks.  Sweat pants.  That Tee-shirt with a rubber ducky screen printed across the chest (What the Duck?), and imitation (soft as) Cashmere sweaters.  Bras are NOT allowed in this collection.

 

4-  The ‘Wardrobe Malfunction’ Emergency Purchase.  We’ve all had it happen.  You go to Six Flag’s huge theme park, squeeze yourself into a seat on Batman:  The Ride, and happily scream your way through the 90 second ride you just stood in line 2 hours for.  Upon descending the exit ramp, you feel a curious breeze on your backside, casually run a hand toward your back pocket, and find that your hasty patch-job has not only failed to hold together, but expanded into a rent from waistband to crotch.

Adding to this sudden em-bare assing over-exposure is the realization that the last pair of panties you want to be wearing while experiencing this type of catastrophic malfunction is the snake-skin print micro thong you selected that morning.

I don’t care how much I paid for the pair of Great America branded, sweat-pant cutoff shorts – they ended the unintentional mooning of my Brother-in-law in particular, and the population of the park in general.

 

5-  The Uncomfortable Denial of Truth accouterments.  Ahhh, the memories of when these fit well, and you looked good in them.  These vestments have been slid into the dark recesses of your closet not because they no longer fit (ummmm…they don’t) but because you don’t want to be reminded that you’ve given up on your promise to yourself to go for a walk each evening after work so they will.

 

custom-font-b-jeans-b-font-labels-woman-fashion-trousers-hang-tags-brand-garment-hang-tags6-  The Bribery Ensemble.  These outfits shine on near-center stage within your wardrobe.  They look great.  They cost a FORTUNE (as evidenced by the tags you haven’t cut off yet).  And you’re going to look fabulous in them…as long as you stick to the latest fad-diet that you tortured yourself with for 2 months, 2 years ago, before sliding into the year long, 3-month cake depression.

 

7-  The I have a Dream Trousseau.  Buried in the bottom of your underwear drawer is an acid-washed, denim mini-skirt you wore the summer after graduating high school.  It’s old.  It’s (a few) decades out-of-style.  It’s carefully preserved in a clear poly bag and only gets brief glimpses of sunlight when you run afoul of Laundry Procrastination (see ‘The Grunge Collection,’ above).  But you looked like a Goddess in it, had so many amazing adventures while wearing it, and even random strangers loved you while you were in it, so you can’t possibly throw it out.  This single piece of clothing holds the very distillation of your youth, and is the one you’ve sworn a blood oath under the light of the full moon that you WILL WEAR AGAIN.

 

8-  Your Current Wardrobe.  Sadly, this segment of your clothing arsenal has no space within your closet, but hangs haphazardly on the treadmill in the corner of your bedroom.  It is comprised of (5) wrinkle-resistant cotton blouses in acceptable business-muted colors, (3) pair black, business-acceptable dress pants, (2) business-acceptable-length skirts, (2) power-bras, assorted control-top stockings and panties, and (3) pair business-casual loafers.  You may substitute heels for loafers, but I tend to choose comfort over style.

 

red-renaissance-corset-costume-renaissance-pirate-fancy-dress-86524609-  The Party on Wayne, Party on Garth-ments.  These are clothes you wore once, as the occasion of the moment demanded the purchase of a new outfit, and haven’t seen the light of day since.  These outfits are far too strange for work, far too good for slumming at the corner bar, and some are just too bizarre to wear in public.  Clothing in this section includes the outrageous (two full Klingon costumes & one wizard’s robe), leather (biker vest, ass-less chaps, bikini top & cat-o-nine tails), the bridesmaid dress in silver satin & purple taffeta your friend forced you to wear and still owes you a lifeblood favor over, and the corset you picked up the last time you and your girlfriends got trashed at the Renne Faire.  Not included in this sub-section are funeral garments, as they are business-appropriate (in more ways than one).

 

So I have reason to celebrate!  A few pair of pants from Uncomfortable Denial of Truth have happily been reclassified to Current Wardrobe.  My current favorite pair of jeans will be moving to Comfy Couture, and I’m ready to transfer 2 of my work pants to the Closet of Shame.

 

There may have been a moment of almost-asphyxiation involving an over-enthusiastic tightening of corset strings, but no pics were shot, so it didn’t happen…