UIS Mascot – Orion the Hunter
10:03pm CST. USA, Illinois, Springfield, UIS Campus, Lincoln Residence Hall, 3rd floor.
“Hey guys, you GOTTA see this!”
“Holy Shit! What’s that guy on???”
“Damn, man, that’s some twisted shit right there!”
“Dude, you GOTTA share that to my page!”
The email, Titled: Greetings from the Apocalypse (wish you weren’t here), hit an approximate 4.6 billion email inboxes pretty much simultaneously. Within seconds, it had been opened, read, discussed, and become the latest trend on Facebook.
Gene’s shout to his roommates, and the subsequent micro-conversation above, pretty much summed up how the email was received around the globe.
Gene shared the post, offering his own two cents in the field Facebook offered for the pithy responses its usership lived for:
“LOL, guys! This guy seriously trippin bawls. He seein things inna sky! share, man, FUCKIN share!”
Gene turned up his stereo. His bedroom walls started to vibrate.
Beez in the trap, beez, beez in the trap…
The single window in Gene’s room shook – the loose storm window rattling against the more solidly-affixed piece of glass.
“Clunk, clunk, clunk…”
“Damn wind…” Gene growled, popping the top of his third beer of the evening. “Cheap-ass dorm rooms. Mother-fuckers don’t never fix nuttin!” He turned up the stereo even more to compensate for the banging.
Beez in the trap…Beez, beez in the trap…
“LOL, man!” came the first response on Facebook.
Followed closely by ‘GTFO!’
Quickly Gene posted one of his favorite memes.
As the ‘likes’ piled up around his post, the first crack appeared in Gene’s wall, creeping along the drywall in time with the now violently-banging storm window.
“Shits legit.” The Dragon posted in his thread.
Gene scowled at his computer screen. “Yer not one of my friends, shithead,” he mumbled, moving the mouse toward the delete button.
He never reached it.
Gene’s entire room lurched to the north. His school textbooks scattered across the floor. His “prized collectible” glass pipe (a genuine replica of the pipe Gandalf was smoking in The Lord of the Rings, only 1000 ever produced!) flew from its genuine black ash display base on his desk, rocketing into his beverage.
The can tipped, spilling a near-full beer all over Gene’s Razer DeathStalker Ultimate! keyboard, inundating Gene’s lap with a mixture of soaked keyboard, cold MGD and glass slivers.
His wireless mouse flew in the opposite direction, leaving a fair-sized dent in the drywall and plastic pieces of the housing to bounce around Gene’s desk.
As final words go…these are mediocre at best…
The outer wall, Gene’s rattling bedroom window, and the Orion the Hunter poster valiantly holding on by a single strip of yellowed tape, dissolved in a shower of glass shards, twisted metal, shredded drywall, and powdered brick as the maelstrom touched the dorm building, eagerly consuming masonry, carpeting, wooden support beams, furniture, and residents.
At 10:13pm, CST, the campus of University of Illinois, Springfield, was completely destroyed by a strange and unnatural storm of intense electrical and turbulent wind energy. Experts are calling it the ‘worst tornado disaster of all time in the midwest region,’ and are urging residents to stay off the streets and indoors for their own safety. Stay tuned to WKRX Channel 9 as we stay on top of the latest developments of this bizarre storm.
10 minutes – Precisely.